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August 28, 2009
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The sun was setting, part of it hiding in the horizon far beyond the walls of Camelot. Merlin was watching it, in the window of Arthur's room; his dark hair was toned with brown from the yellow rays of the falling star, while his eyes went yellow as if he was casting a spell, which he wasn't. But he should; it was his birthday after all. It was his secret, because people in his village were suspicous about the fact it was right before Yule, and being the retards they are its better they probaly suspected he was Satan or something. Merlin sighed; his life was already quite problematic, having to live in a kingdom ruled by Uther the Retard who thought all magic was evil for no rational reason, and now everyone looked at him as if he was a demon becauseof tha day he was born. Fortunately, because Yule was near everyone in the castle got that evening off, which meant Merlin could leave the fucking castle and celebrate his birthday somewhere else alone.

Once he convinced Arthur to go to the Yule feast and get drunk he got some candles and quietly left, hidden by the mantle of darkness that the beloved night offered. He walked across the forest, heading towards the lake. Unknownst to him though, Morgana and Gwen were following him; they thought that there was something horribly wrong about Merlin going to the lake and got very concerned about him. In turn, they were also being followed by Arthur, who thought it was very mean on the ladies part to follow Merlin, when he probably just wanted to get away from those annoying bitches. Unaware of being followed by people who were also unaware of being followed, Merlin stopped at the lake's shore, where he lit the candles and looked at the bright silver moon; the candles were placed in little paper boats and floated in the lake. His friends were extremely confused.

"Happy birthday to me!"

Gwen, Morgana and Arthur were ultimately shocked by the revelation. They were nontheless relieved that such was everything in Merlin's mind; Arthur had suspicions of him being a warlock, while Gwen thought he was Batman and Morgana thought he was a serial rapist.

"Now I will conviniently say things that will be vital to the plot even though I have no reasons to say them out loud. I get three wishes for my b-day; mom always said two for fate to come true and another for what your heart desires. For fate I wish a good year for Camelot and that my friends be okay. That includes Arthur as well, even though he's quite mean to me. Nonetheless, what my heart desires..."

Morgana and Gwen, with their fangirl instincts, were so excited that they didn't even noticed they began pissing. The yellow current spread from the bushes into the lake, and Arthur retreated to vomit in the stream. The foul liquids then begn to spread across the lake, to Merlin's absolute horror.

"What the hell is going on!?"

Morgana and Gwen then at last realised what was going on, and in horror they rose from the bushes, entering Merlin's line of sight and causing him to laugh histerically. He then proceeded to whisper his third wish while Morgana and Gwen were embarassed; soon, though, they got over it.

"Merlin, why didn't you told us it was your b-day?" said Gwen

"Yes Merlin, we're your friends! And friends share every single secret with each other even the most dark ones! Look at Adolf Hitler; he shared with his friends his desire to get Germany rid of all jews, homosexuals and gypsies!" said Morgana

"Well, in my home village people think I'm the anti-christ because I was born right before Yule, and I thought you would treat me the same." said Merlin

"Merlin, you know thats not true! We aren't religious retards like king Uther who think all magic is evil just because his wife was killed by a spell that ironically allowed Arthur to be born!" said Morgana

"Come on, lets go home and bribe the cook with sex so he will make a birthday cake!" said Gwen

"That would be awesome!" said Merlin, gigling like a girl

The three friends then walked hand in hand jumping like ten year old girls and gigling like ponies on drugs. Meanwhile Arthur followed them, still curious regarding Merlin's third wish.

"Next year we should do this properly, with gifts and balloons and demonic clowns" said Gwen, "Say, does Arthur know about your birthday?"

"Course not, I'm his slave so why would he even care?"

"Merlin thats not right he's your friend!" said Gwen

"Friend? I'd rather call him a vulture if you please"

"You should tell him anyway" said Morgana

"And why exactly?"

"I don't care, TELL HIM!!!!!!!!"

"Anyway, tell us that final wish of yours"

Merlin blushed a deep shade of red, making his cheeks look like yummy raw cow beefs. “Oh that's the heart wish, it's something you truly want with all your heart. I can't tell you what it was though or it won't come true, no matter how ridiculous that sounds because chances are it won't become true anyway.”

Gwen smiled at this. “Well isn't there any one you can tell about the wish? After all you must be existed and wanting to tell some one.”

"I'm sorry but no human is capable of understanding that last sentence" said Merlin

"Well, there must be some way of someone knowing your wish" said Morgana

"Well,  the person who the wish was about traps the wisher before midnight then the wisher has to tell them the wish.”

"Lolwut?"

The three began to laugh, before stepping in from the cold dark night into the warmth and light of the kitchen, leaving Arthur alone in the cold and dark. You might have realised by now how shameless of me to copy paste sentences from the fic I'm parodying. Anyway, the prince of Camelot was intrigued by this wish that his servant had, so he decided to wait for his slave to come so he could bully him until the secret was revealed.

As Merlin walked into his chambers, Arthur stalked him like a hawk stalks a rat silently; then, out of the shadows the light hawk grabbed his prey.

"Ah, my mom was right that light associated bishounens were evil! Look at Batman, he is a dark themed non-bishounen and yet..."

"STFU Merlin! You know Merlin, you could have warned me it was your b-day today, I do not hold those village beliefs"

"But Arthur, I'm your slave, how can you possibly be interested in my birthday?"

"Silence!" Arthur then pinned the warlock against the wall.

"Arthur what are you doing?"

“You know I was watching and listening to you tonight too.”

"That revelation was unnecessary sir"

"Silence! I heard you explain to them all about the third wish you made. I am rather intrigued by this, did either of them try to trap you?”

"No, they just touched my hands and genitals"

"That figures", said Arthur; he then grinned at Merlin. “Well I appear to have trapped you, so I want to know what your hearts wish was.”

Merlin squirmed heard against the grip, but Arthur merely held him tighter to the wall. “Tell me Merlin!” The pince demanded of the man servant. "If you do not tell me I will hurt you more than your retarded unexistent brain can image"

"No I will never tell you! Never! I will never tell you! I won't even mention the wish! Ever!"

"Look you motherfucking son of a whore, if you do not tell me what the wish was I will hurt you more than you can imagine!"

"Don't you think you are going a little too extreme just to know my wish?"

"Lets just say curiousity might kill the warlock"

“Curiosity is not a reason to demand to know what is in my heart.”

Arthur softened a little as Merlin said this to him, so too did the blonds hold on the dark haired young man, taking this opportunity Merlin slipped from Arthur's grasp and fled. With a deep growl, Arthur gave chase; it wasn't to long before the prince had caught up to Merlin, the blond grabbed hold of the man servant spun him round and pinned him to another wall. It was getting to close to midnight for the prince's comfort

"Merlin, tell me"

The warlock squirmed in the prince's tight grasp. “No I will not tell you, at least not with out a better reason then just curiosity.”

"Frankly this is getting ridiculous, and all the phrases and setences the author copyrighted from the fic he's parodying are just the tip of the iceberg!" Arthur let out an aggravated sigh, he had been hoping to avoid telling Merlin that he wanted to know because he cared about him. “Fine, I want to know because it's your heart and I care what happens to it.” Merlin stared at the prince completely dumbfounded. “Now for heavens sake tell me what you wished before I go crazy.”

"That would make no difference, since you are already insane"

"TELL WHAT IT IS BEFORE I FUCK YOUR BRAINS YOU RETARD!!!!!!!!!"

The warlock blushed slightly, he took a deep steadying breath before telling Arthur what he wanted to know. “I wished that the one I loved might love me and be the one to give me my very fist kiss.”

"My God you are one little secret bastard aren't ya?"

"What can I say? I'm a warlock in a kingdom ruled by a xenophobic king for magic's sake!"

"Well, there is only one thing left to do..."

Arthur's lips touched Merlin's, ans the two passionately kissed each other. And the two lived happily ever after just after they beat the crap out of Uther and ruled Camelot tyranically.


The dragon woke up. He had just one of the weirdest dreams of his whole life, and he had no doubt it would become at least partially true. Opening his lipped jaws for a yawn, he extended his vast pinions of skin and bone he called wings; once stretched, the wingspan reached from wall to wall, and that wasn't its full size. He looked above, at the opening from which light came unto the cave's darkness; this chamber on he earth was getting too small for the ever growing beast, and he could no longer wait to fly again, this time towards the Heavens that imprisioned him in his carnal form. The fallen angel would be one day part of the light again, and the light would burn king all of Camelot and drive the darkness away as evil descended on Earth...

"Dragon, your plans of conquering the valley will never suceed!" said Panda, "You and your ninja monkeys will perish!"

"What the fuck are you talking about? I have no ninja monkeys; my cousin the eastern dragon has them. Now excuse me you're interrupting my dreams of being part of Heaven again you motherfucker!"

"Sorry, this whole offense towards chinese culture and fauna that Skunk Fu promotes is frying my brains."

"Oh don't worry, the light will fry many more brains..."
A parody of a fan fic of Merlin the BBC series I've seen in DA. Contains Light Is Not Good themes
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